Me learning to be Me

 I am going to Istanbul, Turkey. I will be there for 7 days, and two days flying time.  I have wanted to go to the Middle East since I was a kid. Their architecture fascinates me. The Ottoman dynasty thrills me. The history intrigues me. I have read many a romance novel where the heroine was captured and placed in a harem only to fall in love with the Sultan. Needless to say, I am thrilled.  I know I won’t be there long but I want to say the right things and do the right stuff. I started doing my research on what to do, what to wear, how to act, and even a few words to get me by in the bazaar. I will learn until I go! That is what I do, I learn and I know things! I am so excited! I am going by myself. I wish I had someone to go with me but that doesn’t seem to be my way of doing things. If I wait for others, I would never get to go anywhere. So, I go alone.  When I booked the tickets, I almost had a panic attack. My heart about beat out of my chest. This was due to e...

 I am the type of person that can’t do anything half ass. I am always all in or not at all. This includes love.  I love beyond measure. I place my heart in the person’s hand for them to care for it. How they care for it is up to them. I expect them to care for it the way I would care for theirs. That’s not always the case. Love comes in many forms and my expectations follow those forms.  My sons are my breath. I love them in such a way that I would give them my last breath. I raised them to be independent and to move on to create their own little worlds. I think I did a fine job. As well or better than my parents did.  My parents are a part of me. Without them, I wouldn’t know how to love and how not to love. I learned both sides of the coin from them. I love my friends and would give the shirt off my back to help them.  In my life I have loved one man with all of my heart. He makes me feel whole. He disturbs my soul. Sometimes in a bad way, some times in a good...

it’s a hard pill to swallow when you find out where you stand on someone's list of priorities. Everything comes before me. I sit on a back burner, waiting. I wait a lot. I wait to be recognized. I wait to be heard. I wait to feel like I matter. One day, maybe, I will matter.  Maybe one day I will be loved the way I love. Maybe one day I will be someone’s priority.  Today is not that day.

 Sometimes a light goes off in my head and just about blinds me. That happened today. When I decided to start seeing Michael again, I said I would take the good with the bad and not put my expectations on him. I’ve tried to live with the philosophy of “ Let them”.  I have a long way to go to just let things be but I believe I am doing better. When he changes the memories to meet his narrative, I let him. When he says he didn’t say something or do something, I let him. I cannot control how he wants to remember things or how he remembers the past. I can only let him know I remember it differently. Today I brought up love languages. I asked if he knew what they were. He said yes he does. I asked if he knew what his were. He said acts of service. I agreed and supplied his next one as words of affirmation. He agreed that this was a big one too. I asked if he knew mine. He said quality time is your top one and I supplied touch is equal to quality time. Both had the same rating on th...

 Most days I have the power to not care what others think. It makes for an easy, carefree life. That’s my recipe for a happy life. Most days I am happy. Today is not that day. I have gained so much weight with menopause that I am disgusted with myself. I don’t know what to do. I used to be so active and in shape. I woke up on morning and I can’t use my hand, my feet kill me, and I weigh a ton. What the hell happened? How did it happen? What can I do about it? I’m gonna figure something out. I can’t keep despising myself like this 

 I have some super great stories, at least I think they are. I have done some amazing things. Recently I went to Alaska for 8 months. I became a Jeep Tour Guide on the second most scenic route in the world ( according to National  Geographic). Denali National Highway. It was a big thing for me to do. Go off on my own, live out of my car and tent camp, go to a place I’ve never been and don’t know a soul. I was quite proud of myself. There were many things I learned about Alaska, the natives there, the animals. I did many things I’ve never done before. I saw great things and beauty beyond compare. And this is just recent. I’ve gone hang gliding, sky diving. I’ve gone to get a hamburger and ended up two states away at a great diner. I used to ride a cow like people ride a horse. I found kittens in the hayloft and thrown chicken down the outhouse ( I was four). I swam with sharks and had plans to go to Antartica that fell through.  These are things I like to talk about to oth...