The light bulb

 Sometimes a light goes off in my head and just about blinds me. That happened today. When I decided to start seeing Michael again, I said I would take the good with the bad and not put my expectations on him. I’ve tried to live with the philosophy of “ Let them”.  I have a long way to go to just let things be but I believe I am doing better. When he changes the memories to meet his narrative, I let him. When he says he didn’t say something or do something, I let him. I cannot control how he wants to remember things or how he remembers the past. I can only let him know I remember it differently.

Today I brought up love languages. I asked if he knew what they were. He said yes he does. I asked if he knew what his were. He said acts of service. I agreed and supplied his next one as words of affirmation. He agreed that this was a big one too. I asked if he knew mine. He said quality time is your top one and I supplied touch is equal to quality time. Both had the same rating on the love language test.

In our past relationship I did not give words of affirmation as much as I should. I didn’t do act of service the way he needed them. This go round, I have tried to change that. I tell him how much he is appreciated and how proud I am of the work he does. I tell him how good his work is and what a difference he is making. I try to take stuff off his plate and help as much as I can. I tried to change to make this work. 

Here is my light bulb. He has known my love language and chose to ignore it all this time. I have always said I have to compete with his phone. I had to compete with the bike club, I had to compete with everything. I always felt like I was put on a back burner. He would pull me out when he needed me but other than that, I was just left hanging. Nothing special.

I always thought I wasn’t communicating my language correctly or he didn’t know what it was. No, he knew. He just chose to ignore it. It’s obviously not important. I am not a top priority. I still have to compete with the phone. Him answering text messages in the middle of my sentence, the phone ringing at dinner or after we go to bed, and him answering it. I thought this time I could be a priority, I guess I expected too much again. 

I know I said I would not put my expectations on him and I would accept the bad with the good but this cuts deep. 

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