The Journey begins

 So this is the beginning of the middle of my life. So far, I have not learned who I am. I thought I knew. I have been a daughter, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a grandmother and a lover. Yet, these are what I have done not who I am. These should not define me, yet they are the terms I have used as my definition. As each one fades into the past, I have felt a part of how I describe myself disappearing. Each time I try to reinvent myself yet I still feel smaller and less. So, I’m am going to learn who I am not what I am. 

I have often wondered how others describe me. Do they see me as nice, sweet, a pain in the butt, mean? I’m sure I have been all of these and more. Am I selfish, evil, and manipulative ? Do some see me as a door mat? I have probably been these to some as well. So with all of these labels, how do I know where the real me begins? 

This is where I’m going to begin my journey of finding me. Where do the labels end and I begin? Who is DJ?

I believe I am a good person. I do not always do good though. I try to help others, sometime to my detriment or theirs. I don’t know when to quit. I can be spiteful if I feel I’ve been wronged. I lose sleep if I know someone is mad at me. I don’t like hurting other’s feeling so will hurt mine to keep them happy. I have a hard time saying no to people. I love with my entire being. I don’t demand respect because I don’t believe I deserve it. I love being in nature and seeing the wonders of GOD’s creations. I am weary! I put on a good front and pretend I’m ok must times. I act strong when I can nearly hold my head up or fight to take the next breath. I hate to disappoint anyone. I feel like a disappointment to everyone in my life. I have never felt like I belonged or am loved. I believe that I could disappear tomorrow and no one would notice. I stick around to piss people off. These are the things I know or believe about myself at this time. 

The journey will continue 


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