Me learning to be Me

I would give my shirt off my back to help someone. I often see myself as a door mat. I let them walk all over me. I give and give and I love doing it most of the time. Sometime though, I see that it doesn’t do any good, I’ll never be accepted for who I am. I chose to give to sponges. They take and take until I have no more to give. I expect the more I give that they will love me. It doesn’t work that way. I just want to be loved the way I love. Just once. I would like to feel like people want me around for me. Just once I would like to be accepted for me. Too loud, interrupting, cussing, me. In my family, that will never happen. I’m told these things aren’t character traits but I’m too stubborn to change. One day I will find a place where I belong and will be accept for who I am. I believe in fairy tails!  

 When I was a small child my parents called me Sunshine because I always woke with a smile and a giggle. I loved to play in my pretty dresses with the ruffled panties. I always ended up tearing the ruffles off and walking around with them hanging half off my butt. My mom would have to snip the ruffles off so I wouldn’t trip.  I loved playing on the farm, in the fields, in the barn, and at our Crab Apple tree. I loved getting dirty and having my feet on the earth. I love my pony Pixie and my horse Molly. We had pigs and chickens, and a turkey named Granny. As I got older, the farm got sold, I still woke with a smile. I looked forward to days of playing on the block with the neighbor kids. We put on plays and some of them dressed up as Kiss, we played Capture the Flag, Ghost in the Graveyard. We had a blast. This was during the week and weekends all of my elementary and middle school days. We added a pool in those years and that added to the joy. Summers were spent in Maryland a...

 I have an entire cart full of baggage. Most of it I bought myself. I assume people have expectations of me in their minds. I think they expect something from me and of course I have to give it to them. These are all in my head and my anxious thoughts. Then I beat myself up because I cannot live up to these expectations. I now know these expectations are mine and only I know they exist. I have to learn that I am living for me and I do not have to live up to anyone’s expectations except mine.  I also carry around bags of expectations for others. I once told my significant other they were the center of my world and I did everything for them. They were my priority. They replied “ I didn’t ask for that, and I don’t want that”. I was devastated.  I expected them to feel the same way and to be happy I was giving them everything. I expected them to love me the same way I love them. I expected them to give the same way I give, and to make me a priority. They didn’t and couldn’t l...

 So this is the beginning of the middle of my life. So far, I have not learned who I am. I thought I knew. I have been a daughter, a wife, a mother, a girlfriend, a grandmother and a lover. Yet, these are what I have done not who I am. These should not define me, yet they are the terms I have used as my definition. As each one fades into the past, I have felt a part of how I describe myself disappearing. Each time I try to reinvent myself yet I still feel smaller and less. So, I’m am going to learn who I am not what I am.  I have often wondered how others describe me. Do they see me as nice, sweet, a pain in the butt, mean? I’m sure I have been all of these and more. Am I selfish, evil, and manipulative ? Do some see me as a door mat? I have probably been these to some as well. So with all of these labels, how do I know where the real me begins?  This is where I’m going to begin my journey of finding me. Where do the labels end and I begin? Who is DJ? I believe I am a goo...