Baggage

 I have an entire cart full of baggage. Most of it I bought myself. I assume people have expectations of me in their minds. I think they expect something from me and of course I have to give it to them. These are all in my head and my anxious thoughts. Then I beat myself up because I cannot live up to these expectations. I now know these expectations are mine and only I know they exist. I have to learn that I am living for me and I do not have to live up to anyone’s expectations except mine. 

I also carry around bags of expectations for others. I once told my significant other they were the center of my world and I did everything for them. They were my priority. They replied “ I didn’t ask for that, and I don’t want that”. I was devastated.  I expected them to feel the same way and to be happy I was giving them everything. I expected them to love me the same way I love them. I expected them to give the same way I give, and to make me a priority. They didn’t and couldn’t live up to my expectations since they didn’t know about them. This was not their way of loving or giving. 

Some baggage I am learning to unpack and examine. I am working on putting the contents into words to deal with in my mind. I have high anxiety concerning dirty dishes in the sink and the sink not being clean. I have nightmares about maggots in my sink. I know this is irrational and my problem. I tell people I live with about this and express how much it bothers me. I used to expect them to care and keep it clean to my standards or on my timeline. Now I realize this is my anxiety, not theirs. I own this, they don’t. I cannot expect them to care or consider my anxiety as if it were their own. I have learned to walk away or do it myself.  I still have the nightmares but I try not to get as angry at people for not understanding. I may not be able to get rid of my expectations so I am learning to deal with them and to place them where they belong, on me. 

I am trying to verbalize my expectations of others and I now ask that they do the same for me. I want to lighten the load a little. 


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